Tacky Questions For an Adoptive Mother

So you have a pal who has just shared with you that she is going to pursue adopting a young child. Regardless of whether this is her very first child or tenth, the decision is private and special to her. She might be laden with concerns while simultaneously thrilled. She might be desperate to discuss her feelings and the situation or reluctant to talk about it.

As her good friend, it's normal to have questions and be interested in how “this whole adoption thing” will work. You may be worried about seeing her hurt or let down. But respect her personal privacy and invite her to share with you what she's willing to talk about in her own time.

We have provided some things that the majority of adoptive moms have been asked from well-intentioned close friends to interested strangers. No matter who says them, the comments still hurt. Be a true friend by being mindful of what not to say during this precious time in your friend's life.

[1] Exactly why is she giving her child up? What's the girl's story?

[2] Do you think she takes drugs or smokes cigarettes? Are you aware what that may do to a baby?

[3] Just how much does she drink do you think?

[4] Has she even seen a physician while she's pregnant?

[5] Does she have psychological problems?

[6] Exactly what does it say about a person who will give her baby to a complete stranger?

[7] What if the lady decides she would like her back?

[8] Hasn't she ever heard of birth control?

[9] Where's her family? Do you speculate why her parents don't wish to raise the child?

[10] Does she expect you to pay money for all of her health-related expenses? Are you certain she's not just using you and is then going to change her mind at the last second? I have heard about that happening.

[11] What happens if she changes her mind? How can you not give her the child back?

[12] If she's pregnant again, will she just assume that you are willing to raise that baby also?

[13] Aren't you scared to death that when she sees the baby, she's going to want her back? I do not believe saying yes to get-togethers will help anyone involved.

[14] Don't you find it sort of cold that she doesn't even want to see pictures of her baby?

[15] How certain are you that she is really being truthful about what she shares?

[16] What's her ethnic background? Do you ever wonder what her purpose is in giving her baby to you?

[17] Just how can she keep her other little ones and give this one up?

[18] She's just torturing herself by attempting to have an open adoption. Wouldn't everybody be better off if she just stayed out of the picture?

[19] Do you think there are elements of her medical history she's not letting you know about?

[20] What could you possibly tell your child about his birth mother some day that won't cause him to feel bad?

If you're the close friend of a mother who is adopting, you might have read a few of the remarks above and remember saying them. Or maybe some were on the tip of your tongue so you held back because it just didn't seem like the right thing to say. Maybe a few of these responses terrified you and you can't even image anyone saying them. Unfortunately, the majority of adoptive parents have heard them, though, from various sources.

We personally want to say thank you for being a caring friend and looking over this article. Reveal to your friend who's adopting, "I really care about you and am looking forward to your adoption. But I really don't always understand what's okay to say or what may be awkward. Please let me know when I stick my foot in my mouth so I don’t do it again."

None of us is perfect, but we are able to care enough to be well informed. That's the greatest gift we can give to a friend.